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By Eugene Mirman | Issue #24

Carroll Gardens, Cobble Hill, Boerum Hill and Park Slope are beautiful neighborhoods filled with everything from delicious restaurants to shops that sell weird crappy glass things from Europe. Hey, do you know where I could get a children's shoe made of silver to hang in my kitchen? Yes, there are five stores for that. Where can a guy go to get a glass penis with eagle wings (hand crafted in Vermont!)? Where can't you buy that, fuckface? Is there an accessories store whose tag line is "Peace is always in fashion"? Yes. Finally, a skirt that says (through its spirit of design), "We should not have entered Iraq under false pretenses," or a pair of mittens that frown upon America's actions in Chile. Come with me on an adventure through BOCOCA (Boerum Hill, Cobble Hill, Carroll Gardens) and Park Slope. Pretend I am an unmagic, 30-year-old male Mary Poppins, who has no interest in child care, but instead loves fish and steak. Come with me on this adventure and let's enter a world of deliciousness and betrayal (except the betrayal).

OSAKA - A wonderful Japanese restaurant. Many people told me to go here. Turns out it's the sister restaurant of Yamato; it has the same menu with slight changes as the Park Slope chillery (a place to chill; I made the word up right now for both of us!). I had ravioli with "butter not-squash" and salmon tartare. It was a special, so fuck you, you can never have it. I didn't have the heart to ask if they meant "butternut squash," in case it was a play on words I didn't understand. It wasn't. It was a mistake. A delicious mistake. They have a great spicy seafood soup. Osaka's spicy seafood soup is one dollar more than Yamato's. Why? Broccoli! Mostly broccoli and some other vegetables. Mexican Roll, White River Roll, American Dream Roll, all the fancy rolls are great. If it sounds good, it probably is. I like the Seafood Dynamite appetizer (creamy caviar sauce baked over seafood bits with mushrooms). Also, a great place to meet families and fifty-year old married women on their way home. (272 Court St., 718-643-0044)

ROYALE - They have a drink special, I forget the name, but it's a Coors and an airplane size bottle of Wild Turkey for $5. Throw in dj's and dancing, red and gold surroundings, and people from different races, and it's like a party in a secret room at the United Nations: a room where anything goes, especially dancing and talking, but even pulling your dick out and telling people you feel dizzy. (That's how I relax.) (506 5th Ave., 718-840-0089)

CAFE LULUC - I don't know why the "c" in the Luluc logo is so small. Maybe you do. But guess what? It is fantastic. If you want to go on a date and you want that date to think she is in France, take her to Café Luluc. If she is very stupid, she will think she is in France. But actually, she will be at 214 Smith Street, America. This sweet-ass French bistro sports great steaks and pommes frites and le awesome soupe-soup and les ravioli des mushroomsies. It was great. And not too expensive. Thanks Brooklyn for having so many nice, affordable fancy restaurants. I wanted to keep eating, but couldn't! My mouth wanted me to shovel the delicious meats and shit into my face, but my stomach adjudicated me to stop! (214 Smith St., 718-625-3815)

ZAYTOONS - Have you ever been impressed by pita bread? I hadn't. But I can not stop thinking about it. Zaytoon's fresh-baked sweet, doughy, and floury pita is pure goodness. I have never had pita bread this good. They make it somewhere in back! Hidden away. What Matt Damon is to super-spies that forget who they are, Zaytoons is to mysterious-brilliant pita bread makers. Bad analogy, but it makes you curious, maybe? At first I didn't really know where to go in Carroll Gardens and my friend Hassan recommended Zaytoons. For ten dollars you get a delicious lamb shish-kabob (you don't have to have lamb, as you know, because you are allowed to order for yourself, even if you're elderly!), salad, rice, pita, and a tummy full of satisfaction. Throw in the fact that you can have sex in the bathroom with a friend (you can do that anywhere, but few restaurants point it out, including this one--it does not point it out--but you could, right?) and it's a great time. (283 Smith St., 718-875-1880)

CAFE ON CLINTON - My friend Keith's favorite restaurant. And for his birthday we went there. This quaint European monstrosity (totally wrong word, because the place is really cute and woodsy) is tucked away in Cobble Hill. The mussels in a Saigon-chili sauce put me in what I imagine the demilitarized zone was like: nice food, good times, and wine (not the horror Good Morning Vietnam carelessly portrays). I was in the shit--but tastier--like a Ho-Chi Min trail of great European cuisine. But my "Charlie" was not a rebel-commie; my Charlie was savory slices of chorizo and slightly spicy mussels. The steak was great and so was Keith's fish, covered in artichokes and mushrooms. For dessert I recommend the white chocolate mousse: it is a light, airy cream party. I could have eaten a big bag filled with it, if I had the cash (this imaginary bag would cost $640). This is a great place to bring out-of-town parents who think Brooklyn is scary and filled with skanky grunge-rockers (boy, are parents out of touch) and hip-hop moguls trying to taint their baby with dope, balls, and pussy. Little do they know that their "baby" gets drunk till two a.m. five nights a week and makes out with some weird, nameless dude at Loki. (268 Clinton St., 718-625-5908)

CHIP SHOP - Deep fried Milky Way bar (or Twix, or cherry pie, etc.), wild mushroom Shepherd's pie, spotted face (that's a made up dish), Calgary spoons (also not real), fish and chips, chicken vindaloo. Wait? What? Chicken vindaloo? That's right. Chip Shop doesn't just boast British food, but also, the food of its favorite former colony (excluding America, WHO KICKED THEIR ASS TWICE: 1776 and then AGAIN in 1812). Curry Shop is a great Indian Restaurant. Average entrée price: $5,500. WHAT? No. I think it's around $11, maybe less (fish without chips just $6)! It's a great time. And for you "health conscious Americans" they can make the fish in some wine. Another cool thing, though I am lying, is you can bring in your iPod and they deep fry it for you. It's great. (383 5th Ave., 718-244-7746)

YAKITORI CANTEEN - This would be a nice place to go on a date, if everyone wasn't so weird about dating. Still, a good place to bring crushes you're friends with. It's a new Japanese skewer and tapas restaurant on 6th Avenue. The food is very good, and it's pretty cheap. Eel for $7? Yes. Sure there's no rice, but rice is bullshit. (Some doctors even suggest that rice causes people to become unfuckable. Bread, too.) You can get lots of little things and it's awesome. Think of this meal as building a food army to fight against A-Team style a-moral villains. That's right! A wealthy jerk is robbing old people and throwing them at an orphanage! What can stop him? The following skewers: chicken loin with wasabi soy, stuffed shitake and grilled shrimp. Who else will join this fight? Stir fried mushrooms in sake butter, Piri Piri sautéed shrimp with garlic oil, and mini rib eye steak. Plus it's often not that crowded. What's good about that? Well, you'll have three or four very nice waitresses for each table. And it's the only place of its kind around here. (131 6th Ave., 718-230-3935)

A TABLE - This is a great French restaurant in Fort Greene. Good luck finding it. (171 Lafayette Ave., 718-935-9121)

PATIO - The reason there is no hard liquor is because you can't sell hard liquor within a certain distance of a church. And there is a secret church a few doors down. That being said, they have great sangria and sake martinis. Though the music is some weird trans-world-techno (probably very popular with club kids looking to chill out before they go back in time to a rave), it's mellow and a great low-key place to hang out. In the summer you can sit outside on the patio (no relation to the name) and figure out why three months is the longest you've been happy in a relationship. The answer: you have to figure out who you are before someone else can make you happy. Just kidding, the real thing is to stop going out with loonies and cynical hipsters who can't enjoy ice cream. Good luck this summer, have fun! (179 5th Ave., 718-857-3477)