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Text Your Book's O.Q.

By Alexandra Ringe | Issue #15

So far, Oprah Winfrey's book club has put fourteen novels on bedside tables across the land. I read the first twelve--anyone who can convince millions of people to read not just one but two Toni Morrison novels is my hero. But I also wanted to see what her picks have in common so that when the time comes for you or I to write the Great American Novel, we'll know which heartstrings are worth tugging and which are better left alone.

1. Your protagonist's occupation is
A. Spotter at a dry cleaner (+10 points)
B. Teacher in a one-room school (+10 points)
C. Supermarket checkout clerk (+10 points)
D. Prepubescent orphan (+10 points)

2. Your story is told
A. In the first-person female (+40 points)
B. In the third person, with particular attention to female characters (+20 points)
C. In the first-person male (+10 points)
D. Any other way (-50 points).

3. Your protagonist lives in
A. A small town in the U.S. (+50 points, 20 additional points if the town is in the South or the Midwest, 10 additional points if the town is too tiny for a movie theater, a mall, or anything else to distract the characters from the abject misery of their lives)
B. A small town in WWII Germany (+5 points, but only if your main character is a dwarf)
C. A suburb of present-day Chicago (+5 points)
D. New York, LA, or any other metropolitan area (-40 points).

4. Your minor characters include
A. The town old maids who happen to be sisters (+10 points)
B. The town minister whose sole pleasure in life is food (+10 points)
C. The town hussy who gives good advice once you get beyond her tough exterior (+10 points)
D. The town malpractice attorney, the town UFO expert, or the town web designer (-20 points).

5. The bedroom activity in your book is
A. Heterosexual and pleasant (+30 points)
B. Heterosexual and abusive (+10 points)
C. Homosexual and semiconsensual at first but afterwards so disturbing to the protagonist that she pours bleach into the seducer's tank of prized angelfish (+5 points)
D. Any deviation from A, B, or C (-30 points)

6. Your protagonist is caught up in
A. A repressive political regime (-20 points)
B. A heist gone wrong (-20 points)
C. Ill feelings between neighbors (+10 points)
D. Problems at home (+50 points)

7. Your protagonist's troubles stem from
A. Alcoholism in the family (+20 points)
B. Religious zealotry in the family (+10 points)
C. Romantic involvement with a criminal (+20 points)
D. Eating large quantities of roast beef (+10 points)
E. A sickly or inadequate mother (+30 points)
F. Her own actions (-50 points)

8. Your protagonist's suffering is relieved by
A. The disappearance or demise of her drunken, unfaithful, or felonious husband, father, or paramour (+15 points, 5 more if he disappears after stabbing her mother)
B. Bonding with whales (+5 points)
C. Weaving a rug that includes the rope that her boyfriend used to commit suicide, as well as the placenta that belonged to the baby born of their union (+5 points)
D. Finding God (-20 points)
E. Plucky self-reliance and flashes of wry wisdom (+50 points).

SCORING

The Oprah Sure Thing: 200 or more points.

The Oprah Maybe (indicates a strong possibility that Oprah will take notice, especially if you won the Nobel Prize and your name is Toni): 170-199 points

The Oprah No Chance in Hell: 169 or fewer points