Probably the best part about major world events like Vatican II, the Challenger Disaster, the Tonya Harding scandal, and the introduction of Crystal Pepsi, is the associated slew of dorky jokes that flood our consciousness almost immediately after the event occurs or is made public. In the backward, barbaric, pre-Internet days, we were forced to receive these jokes through a primitive process known as "hearing," either as part of the opening monologue of a late-night talk show or from friends or co-workers who received the jokes from obscure sources.
In our current, enlightened era, however, these topical jokes have been able to flourish with newfound vigor thanks largely to the Internet. Now, when an event occurs, such as the OJ Simpson trial, hordes of newsgroups spring up, just brimming with the same kind of topical yuks that Johnny Carson read off cue cards to our parents 20 years ago.
I first realized the Internet's power as a topical joke distribution source recently when I was sent slews of jokes related to a flaw in the Intel company's Pentium processor. The flaw concerns multi-digit division and is an embarrassment for the company, but it is still remarkable that something as obscure as a multi-digit division microprocessor bug would generate so many jokes. Never to underestimate the power of millions of geeks electronically linked together.
I decided to try and trace the paths of these Pentium jokes, which included such zany entries as:
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM:
9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, dammit, not a bug
8.9999163362 It's close enough, we say so
and so on, with those big approximate numbers mocking the chips' math abilities, and...oh, you get it, right? Geeky stuff like that.
After a bit of initial research about these jokes, I came to several conclusions:
1. Top ten lists are the first type of jokes to surface.
2. Light-Bulb installation jokes follow next
3. The ratio of top ten lists to the jokes is 3:1 during the first
week,
but gradually drops to 1:8.
4. Most of the jokes are inane and not worth reading.
5. See number four.
In fact, after scientifically breaking down the jokes, I found most to be
little more than goofy puns based on the name of the subjects involved. This
was especially true concerning the batch of OJ Simpson jokes. You see, the
nicknames "OJ" and "Juice" are not only referential to the famed athlete and
suspected felon but are also (and keep in mind, I've verified this) names of a
common beverage made from oranges. The result was innumerable jokes along the
lines of:
Q: Why can't you perform cunnilingus on Nicole Simpson?
A: The Juice will kill you.
If it had been William "the Refrigerator" Perry who allegedly killed his
ex-wife named Nicole, this same joke would require major rewrites, but, I
assure you would exist in some barely recognizable form, perhaps as:
Q: Why can't you perform cunnilingus on Nicole Perry in her kitchen?
A: The Refrigerator will kill you.
There were a few other major categories of Internet-spawned jokes, many of them woefully out-of-date Tanya Harding and Jeffrey Dahmer jokes, but regardless of their subject, all fit one of two categories: stupid puns or modifications of old, vaudeville-era jokes. It's not too hard to see how a Jeffrey Dahmer joke can be wrung out of the Borscht Belt staple: "Bum comes up to me and says he hasn't had a bite in a week. So a bit him. Ba-Boom!"
Reading through all of these insipid jokes inspired me. By "inspired" I mean sickened and nauseated. These feelings were enough for me to take the information I had gathered, and distill a formula for the creation of these jokes, the results of which are below, listed with the event I used in the equation.
ATTEMPT ONE: THE HINDENBURG DISASTER
Q: How many Hindenburg pilots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, another to ignite the flammable gases
inside
TOP TEN THINGS HEARD ON THE HINDENBURG BEFORE IT BLEW UP
10: Actually sir, all our tickets are smoking
9: Is this an ashtray?
8: This is what we think of the Goodyear!
7: Don't worry! What's safer than hydrogen?
6: Would you like to be in the smoldering or
non-smoldering cabin?
5: Are we really going to New Jersey?
4: (Someone singing that Luftballoon song)
3: Look at those bored reporters. We should
do something nice for them
2: I thought you were flying the blimp!
1: What does this button do?
ATTEMPT TWO: The Book of Exodus, Old Testament
Q: How many Children of Israel does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 3,501. One to screw it in, 3500 to make a giant one out of gold and pray to
it
Top 10 little known things about the 10 Commandments
10. 3 though 5 were meant to be sung.
9. Number 1 was almost "Wait an hour after eating before going swimming."
8. If you follow all ten, you get three bonus ones
7. Don't break those tablets, whatever you do
6. Now, try them backwards
5. They're not valid on bridges
4. The first letters of all of them spell out the dirtiest word there is
3. If you say them fast enough, you'll get into heaven free
2. They've been notarized
1. TIE: He copied them from the God next to Him and He was dreaming when he
wrote them, so sue Him if he went too fast.